Beneath the Surface

I choose to pretend Carson isn’t here for the time being. God how embarrassing is this?

“I’m fine. It’s over, now run back upstairs for me boys. I’ll be there in a minute.”

“He touched you didn’t he?” Justin glares at him.

“He doesn’t know I don’t like to be touched Justin. He just tried to hug me because I was crying. I’m fine, now do as I say and run upstairs.”

Reluctantly, the boys head back up the stairs leaving me to try and find a way to explain what just happened to Carson. He sits on the floor next to me with his back against the wall, but leaves two foot of space between us.

“You don’t have to explain what happened. I already know, and I also know you’re feeling really embarrassed right about now. Really I don’t blame you because I would be too, but you don’t have to be embarrassed with me.”

“Why is that?”

The look on his face told me he was wondering how much to tell me. “Because I have panic attacks sometimes too. I have since I was a child. I used to have one every single time anyone touched me, but that stopped a long time ago. I still don’t like being touched much, but I can handle when it happens now.”

We sit in silence for a few minutes while I think about what he just told me. So he understands what the panic feels like. It is nice sitting next to someone who understands, even though we aren’t talking about it, just knowing the person next to me knows what it feels like to feel that panic overwhelm your entire body and mind makes me feel a little bit better.

“I don’t have one every time someone touches me. Just when someone I don’t know touches me when I’m not expecting it. Are you going to tell anyone about this?”

He shakes his head at me, “I won’t tell a soul.”

I look at him and realize that he seems to be telling the truth. I think back to the dream catcher he brought the boys. That was such a sweet and thoughtful gesture. Then it hits me that this is a man I can trust. Out of all the men in the world the only ones I know I can trust for a fact are my family. Looks like today I added one more to that list.ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .

“Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. It’s none of my business. I just mean is there anything you need to say out loud to someone? I’ll listen if you need to vent.”

I look back at him and see that his usually hard sky blue eyes have softened, and I contemplate telling him everything. The whole long sordid story, but decide against it. I’m not ready to tell anyone yet. The only person I’ve ever talked to about what happened that night is Shawn. Maddie and Mason know what happened, but I wasn’t the one who had to tell them.

“You want a beer?”

“Yeah sure.”

I get up and grab us both a beer and sit back down on the floor beside him. I don’t know why but I feel better talking here in the foyer where the door is close by in case I need to get some air. I think maybe he knows that and that’s why he didn’t try to get up while I went and got the beer. I think about where I could start. What’s something that I really want to talk about that I haven’t been able to say out loud before? Suddenly, with that thought, it just starts pouring out of me.

“Do you know what it feels like to walk down the street, or go inside a store and every single stranger’s face makes you wonder, is that him? Every single man I see, I have to wonder if it might be him. Does that man want to hurt me? What about that one? Is he the one? Every man walking down the street, or driving in the car next to me or behind me, in the coffee shop, in the grocery store, at the gas station. Everywhere I go every man there is a possible threat. Can you even begin to imagine what that feels like?” He shakes his head. “You don’t have kids so you can’t understand this one either, but think about if you did have kids for just a minute. What if they saw something they never should have had to see in their lifetime, let alone at their age? How can I help them get past it? I can’t. I am completely and utterly helpless to help my own children. I can’t stop their fear of men or their nightmares. There is absolutely nothing I can do except hope and pray that it gets better and if it doesn’t, then I’ll take them to a professional, but there’s nothing I can do for them and as a mother that hurts worse than any of the rest of it.”

Carson has his head leaned against the wall turned to where he’s staring at my cheeks, and I realize I have tears running down my face. How long have I been crying? “Anyway, I need to get upstairs to help the boys or they’ll come back down.” I chuckle through the tears.

He nods and stands up to leave, but stops. He pulls out a card and hands it to me. “If you need anything, or just want to talk here’s my card. My cell’s on the back.” I take it and look at it. Carson Bailey at Bailey Security.

“You have a security company?” he nods. Well damn, that’s definitely a friend you want to have if you have a psychotic stalker. “I definitely will call if I need you. Thank you Carson.” He smiles and walks out the door.

I stop him on the porch. “Hey can I ask you something? I’ve been curious about something ever since the day I moved in.”

“Shoot”

“Why does Jax seem to be pissed off at me almost every time I see him? I would ask if I did something, but he glared at me the first time I ever saw him so I know it’s not something I did.”

He grins before telling me, “It has nothing to do with you Lexie. Jax just doesn’t like women.”

I ponder over that as I close the door and lean against it. It figures a man that looks as hot as Jax would be gay.